There is so msuch going on.  my head is spinning and so is my heart.

theres so much anger between us because of me.  Yes it is a trust issue but its more of because of the people you know and want to be around with...

these people party all the time and smoke weed!  i dont want the girl i love to be around that. i have a hard time trusting peolpe who smoke weed.  The friend you have...you said you knew for a fact that he doesnt smoke...and last night, i saw him smoking and you say well hes trying to quit!  FUCK that shit you take one hit and that to me is someone who smokes and might i add that he took 4 hits! i was watching him! for someone who loves his son he sure dont give a fuck about him while hes getting drunk and smoking weed and having  parties all the time.  Thats why i dont like him! i dont want you around people like that! i know if i wasnt in your life you would probably do things that i wouldnt like and you know what they are. 

and no matter how hard i stress and get upset it doesnt bother you one bit.  Baby i love you so much it hurts.  it hurts me to think you want to be around that.  I dont know what to do.  sometimes i think about dying just to easy the pain of you.  i think about when im gone.  or not being in your life.  I want to live with and love you.  but all im doing is holding you back. suffocating.  smothering.  you need space.  i dont wanna give it to you because its gonna be over when i do...i know it is.  i wish i didnt care so much about you to this point.  i hate myself for loveing you too much in my own fucked up way.  iv become a sad man on the inside.  my heart is slowly dying and it scares me.  There will be no one else after you...i know it.  I dont want to lose you but im getting tired of dealing with this subject.  im getting tired of it all. the fighting, anger, frustration, cursing, the hate.  i wish it could stop.  All i want to say is love you and i wish you had  the same views as me.  you just dont understand the life i came from....you dont see it and dont care to see it either.  The stree it caused me then and now.

I love you so much.

i wish i didnt care anymore...

in fact i wish death upon myself so no one can care anymore.

keep putting me through this shit.

keep showing me you dont care.

keep putting me down.

how crule your heart is.

im a ugly person. a wreck.

i will destroy my image.

because you dont love me anymore.

who will love me after you?

no one. thats who.

everyone is better than me...

thats what you show me.

hes cute

 hes hot.

 i love his...

hes got nice...

do i do that shit around you? do i say girls are prettier than you!

do i point out what i like about girls that arent you?

no...i dont.

why because i love you too much to hurt you like that.

you dont even know how much im hurting how much your hurting me.